There can be many reasons for mummy isolation – and you don’t have to be a new mother to feel like ‘the only one’.
Many mums feel isolated, even those who live in the city, within walking distance of cafes and child health centres. They’re often anxious about admitting how tough mothering is right now because they believe everyone else is so ‘together’.
Sadly, this conspiracy of silence perpetuates the loneliness of mothers – when everyone pretends they have it all sorted there becomes an impenetrable wall that keeps mothers from reaching out to each other and becoming true allies.
Here, mums share their stories of feeling isolated, and what they do to try to break out of that.
Being single, but not single
You don’t have to be separated or divorced to be parenting alone most of the time. Many partners travel for work, or are out of the house most of the day, leaving you to make the decisions and manage the day-to-day stuff of raising small children.
As Jessica, a mum of two whose husband Ben works away for weeks at a time, says, “I can’t do things with my married friends at night because their partners are home and I don’t want to intrude, and I feel I can’t be supportive to single friends because when my husband is home, I’ll ‘drop’ them because I cherish the short time we do have together.”
Jessica’s solution is to enjoy playgroup and children’s activities during the day and ‘socialise’ on Facebook at night when her partner is away. She says, “At least that way I feel connected to the outside world – I can talk to adults, even though it’s not really in person, physically. And when Ben is at home, I switch off technology to be with him.”
Geography
Some mums love the country lifestyle, but not the sense of isolation that can come with it. After all, the scenery is pretty but you can’t talk to the cows (well, not if you want any actual two-way conversation!).
It may seem like a major effort to bundle your baby in the car and get out, but you could be pleasantly surprised how much fun it can be – and who you might meet. Genna, a country mum says, “I drove an hour to my nearest ABA group and I am so glad I made the effort – I now know two other mums who live closer to me and we’re meeting up for coffee next week.”
You can also join a parenting forum, like the one on Essential Baby. You can chat about anything that's on your mind, ask parenting-specific questions from other mums who have been through it all, or even play games with others to keep you busy in those quiet hours.
Your parenting style
You may not gel with your mums’ group because your parenting style varies, as Alice, a mum of one, discovered.
“My baby sleeps less than the other babies, but if I dare mention I’m feeling tired, all the talk turns to sleep school,” she says. “I don’t even want advice, just a bit of understanding without being told I’m doing everything wrong.”
Instead of torturing yourself trying to fit with people who don’t share your values, try seeking out a different group where you can vent safely. You can also try to keep the conversation at your mums’ group neutral, such as discussing what toys the babies are enjoying or great places to go with a child.
You can also look for another quiet mum who is probably feeling ‘different’ too, and invite her to meet up outside of the group.
Your routines
Having a routine can be a source of sanity for many mums and babies, but if it works out that your baby is sleeping when it’s playgroup time, you miss out on the interaction with other mums. It’s a trade-off between the sanity of sleep and a calm household or the sanity of connection with other grown-ups. Only you know whether to consider that as a short-term sacrifice, or whether your need for company trumps your baby’s routine occasionally.
Money
Let’s face it: if you had a bucket load of money, you could join a class with childcare thrown in, or you could hire a personal trainer and a nanny and meet up with other mums at the gym. But don’t let a lack of funds stop you – why not start a mums and bubs walking group? Put up a notice in your baby health centre or the local supermarket noticeboard to gather some other mums and babies to join you. You’ll meet new people, get some fresh air, and maybe make a few good friends.
Different aged kids
You could be the first person in your pre-baby best friendship group to have a baby, and your childless girl-friends just don’t get that you can’t spontaneously drop everything and go for a drink at 5pm. On the other hand, you might be the last person in your group to have a baby, meaning their kids are older and they’re busy with their activities, so catching up is much more difficult that you had expected.
In these cases, it’s time to connect with a new group of mums, ones with children the same ages as yours. Organise catch-ups with old friends during school holidays when most preschooler activities are on holiday too, or plan a girlfriends’ get together without kids.
You aren’t a social butterfly
You might enjoy meaningful conversations, hate rowdy girls’ nights out, or you just aren’t ready to leave your baby yet. Relax – there are all kinds of personalities among mothers, just as there are among people in general. You may have to start at a mothers’ group to find your ‘kindreds’, but you can branch out from there – when you gel with another mum, invite her for a coffee.
Don’t judge any mother’s intelligence on what you hear in these group settings, because so much of the group conversation revolves around completely banal discussions about nappies and sleep (or lack of it). When you chat properly one-on-one you can extend the discussion – this is where some of the longest lasting friendships begin.
Pinky McKay is a best-selling author, lactation consultant and mum of five. Check out her Parenting by Heart Mummy Meet-ups.